Friday, March 18, 2011

Three days later

(This is part 3 of a series. If you haven't already, read parts 1 and 2 first.)

After I read all of the stuff on the Internet, I went about my life. I went to work. I walked the dog. I went to the gym. I watched tv. You know, the usual. Plus, for a friend's birthday, we went to a musical at one of the big theaters in Seattle, a touring production of a Broadway show. Quite good. That guy isn't the only one who enjoys musical theater.

Oh, yeah. That guy. Thinking of him reminded me that I hadn't looked at the dating site in a few days. When I signed in, I got an alert: "You have eight new messages."

Eight? That's odd. Who are they from?

Oh.

Oh, dear.



Message 1:

"Dear Jen. I apologize for the comment about erectile dysfunction drugs. That was inappropriate. I was trying to be funny, but I guess I failed. I just want you to know that I'm not too old, to… you know. I hope you can forgive me."



Message 2:

"Dear Jen. How are you today? I'm hoping we can move on from the problems we've had and put them behind us. I'm looking forward to meeting you! How about coffee?"



Message 3:

"Dearest Jen. You must be having a busy day. What do you do? I'd love to hear about your job. I'd love to learn everything about you. What's your favorite flower?"



Message 4:

"Roses? I bet it's roses. I wish I could send them to you now, but I don't know where you live. It's so unfair! Technology is keeping us apart!


We should meet."



Message 5:

"I want to meet. Do you want to meet?"



Message 6:

"Why don't you want to meet me? I thought we had moved past that little issue. I've moved on. Haven't you? I know I made a mistake, but it was a one-time thing. I'm not like that. It was a fluke."



Message 7:

"Please forgive me. Please. Please. Please. I don't know what I'll do if you don't forgive me. You mean everything to me. You do. I'll do everything for your love."



Message 8:

"You bitch.


I give and give and give, and what do you do? You take take take. You are like a leech. A leech for my heart and soul. Do you like playing with my heart like a toy? Do you like stomping on my soul like so many wine grapes? Well, let me tell you missy! My soul isn't an episode of I Love Lucy! You can't treat me like that!


I can't believe that I renewed my membership for you! That's right! My membership expired two days ago, just after we met, and I renewed it at great personal expense! For YOU, you ungrateful witch!


I'm starting to think that you aren't fully committed to this relationship."


Oh, I'm not committed, Drama Guy. But you should be. With a mandatory 72 hour hold for observation.
I choose my words carefully in my response.

"Guy.


I didn't receive any of your messages until this morning. After reading them, I can tell that we are not a good match. Good luck with your search. Goodbye."

The next day at work, I cheerfully wait for Wolf-pack Travis. When he walks in, I sit there patiently while he takes off his coat, opens his soda, and sits down. I'm grinning ear to ear.

"Have I got a long, overly detailed, tangential, and sometimes entertaining story for you," I say.

2 comments:

Liz S said...

Good lord! Are those emails really verbatim? I hope he doesn't know your last name or anything....

Anonymous said...

No, not verbatim. But that was the jist of things. I change details to protect their identities. ( http://whenthehalfgodsgo.blogspot.com/2009_11_01_archive.html)

And congratulations Liz S: you are my first commenter EVER. You win! I'm not sure what. But something. Tell you what-- I'll send you my next dating castoff.

--Jen